I was struggling with being both spiritual and human at the same time...a conundrum brought on by sin. Having God's eternal spirit encased in a physical body bound by time and sin often produces strife. It is that striving in this life that causes us much sorrow, pain and confusion. A juxtaposition that will never resolve itself until one gives way to the other; until heaven becomes our reality.
However, here...now... is where we live. In the between. And there are days when living split between the two are...oh...so hard. It was during one of these painful days that I wrote the following. Please understand that what I wrote was very ,very personal and for that reason, I nearly decided not to risk "putting it out there". But, if I sometimes struggle with this, I know that others might struggle too. I also understand that knowing you aren't alone in your struggle can be a HUGE encouragement. For that reason, the vulnerability that I risk is worth it.
Here is my heart's cry to God that day:
How do we live on earth but need to be in Heaven?
How do we exist in the physical world while needing to be in the spiritual...or "other" world where you are?
How do we exist within all the traps of time while needing to be free of it?
How do we live in the "unreal" while you call to us from the "real"?
These two worlds are always together but forever separate. Your world sees us but we seldom...if ever...see you. So how do we live in a conscious state of immersing ourselves in You but exist in a world where you are not tangible?
Hope of heaven is somehow the answer. It is the bridge that spans the two worlds. But there are days where I'm stuck standing on this bridge...looking at what is just on either side of it and thinking I can't take a minute more of being in the middle. When I'm living on the left (earth side) I'm always looking and longing to live on the right (heaven side). And when I'm on the left...it's often difficult to even remember there is another side much less strive to reach it. It's the striving that makes it hard. Sometimes, I wish I could be a child again and not have to face the struggles"growing up" brings to life. We live inside time and time itself literally kills us. Time is the curse.
Yet, when I have moments of experiencing life on the right side of the bridge...time seems to cease to exist. I'm then in a place where you talk to me and I actually hear you. I learn. You love. It's so wonderful. Then...I have to cross back to the left side again and the curse of time is felt even more deeply.
I just don't know how to be eternal AND finite at the same time!
I guess it's a simple matter of not trying to understand it all and just trust that you will continue to guide me...show me...teach me. I have to trust that I'm not on this bridge alone. You understand both worlds because you exist outside and within both of them.
Just please know the desire of my heart. To hear you, follow you and love you as you would lead me to do. I once asked you to not let me leave this world without knowing who you really are. I now ask that you not let me leave this world without doing...hearing...learning...living as you have planned for my life.
I don't want to regret my time spent on this side of the bridge."
While there are probably many "theological" no-no's in that plea to God, I do believe that the spirit of it expresses how hard it sometimes is to be both physical and spiritual at the same time. To have a relationship with God that can't be built on sight...touch...or any other sense other than the spiritual senses of trust and faith... can sometimes seem unattainable. There are just days when we want so desperately to be hugged by God. To bury our heads in his chest and cry all our troubles away. To breath in his scent and know that we are safe. To hear...feel...him whisper his love in our ear and sigh with a relief that comes from knowing you no longer need carry that burden any further. To walk with him, run with him, laugh with him...just BE with him...completely free from all influence of evil.
And yet...if we will let him...he will be all of that and more to us. If we will just be still long enough to let him answer our passioned cry to him...we will come away knowing that we have been hugged by God. All striving will cease and his love will accomplish a quiet miracle in us. Hope will enter. Trust will strengthen. Surrender will be victorious. Joy will bring life.
It's then...and only then...that we know we can live another day in the between.
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